The word "Father" brings up many different feelings and emotions for different people. Some people might feel happy, have wonderful memories, feel security and cared for deeply. Others might have lost their fathers and have great memories and experience deep sorrow and sadness thinking about them. Then, there are those of us who hear the word "Father" and it brings up very different feelings. Feelings that we don't like to deal with. Feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, bitterness and on and on.
In a fairy tale world but yet maybe in the life of many, fathers provide for their children. Fathers spend time with their children and build them up and encourage them. They take their daughters on dates and teach them how a man should properly treat a woman. But this was not my reality. I could spend eternity telling you my sad story about the experiences I have had but instead I will tell you how I overcame and became a victor instead of a victim.
I went to Tres Dias back in October. During that weekend, there was a man there and every time I looked at him or heard him speak, I wondered what it would have been like to have had a dad like this man. I said to myself "Why couldn't I have had a dad like him?" During that weekend, there were many, many men who gathered around all of us women and serenaded us. In that moment, I felt secure. I felt protected and loved and truly cared for by all of these strangers. I realized that I have always allowed and welcomed women in my life to fill the void of not having my mom here. But it never occurred to me that God has been trying for years to fill this void of not having a good father in my life with good solid Christian men!
Honestly, this experience set me free. I realized that I had a limiting belief that ALL men were like my father and would let me down in one way or another. I also believed that the God I serve was the same way. I saw that I was rejecting father figures and I was rejecting my God. Since then I have been open to letting the men in my life fill this void and it has been incredible. This HUGE hole in my heart may not be filled but it sure is a heck of a lot smaller!!
The biggest thing I let go of that weekend was the guilt of not having a relationship with my earthly father. When I let that go and turned it all over to my heavenly Father, I had the biggest release I think I have ever experienced. My life has definitely not been the same. I hope you can do this too if this is something you have experienced. I would love to hear your thoughts on this and help you in any way I can work through your own "Father wound". I think we all have them. Some just more than others.
What is YOUR limiting belief when it comes to your father? Will you let it consume the rest of your life or will you step out in faith and let God fill this void once and for all and be all that HE wants to be for you in your life?
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I wanted so many things from my father growing up that he never provided. Not because he was a bad dad but just because he didn't know any better. He didn't nurture me or encourage me growing up from a girl to a woman, he didn't teach me about boys or take me on dates. All I wanted was attention from him and so I grew up watching sports and action movies because it was the only time I could snuggle next to him. Occassional angry outbursts always left me devestated and caused me to shrink up inside myself, but although I was so hurt I needed that love from my dad still and craved it even more.
When i started dating, that craving i had was transferred to the guys I dated. I desperately wanted to be loved and so I did everything I could to be someone who these guys would love. Through my trial and error dating in high school, he never advised me against the guys I was dating or even had an opinion on the matter. I wanted my dad to demand to meet the guys I dated, to protect me against anyone that would hurt me, to keep me safe. But he seemed indifferent.
It wasn't until college that I explained how much it pained me that he didn't have an opinion on who i dated. I am very independent, I don't want someone telling me what to do but I do want someone to care enough to say something. My dad is a great guy. He has never wanted to hurt me and in the few years since I finished high school he has worked so hard to become the dad I always wanted. I wouldn't trade anyone for my dad and i know there isn't a single person out there who could be a better dad to me.
Before my dad started filling my love tank, i learned to let god fill it for me first. God even sent Paul Mints into my life at key times to help fill that love tank as well. For the first time in my life, I continually and constantly feel loved.
love you kelly! and love your blog :)
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